Saga of iPhone 5, Indian Advertising Industry and Selling Sex

So here I am with my iPhone 3 with a broken cracked screen and under tremendous social pressure.

iPhone5waala: you have an iPhone 3???? 3??? Must be 4 let me look.. 
Me: It really is 3 bhai mere. 
iPhone5waala: Look here's my iPhone5 buy one, look here's my iPad, my iMac, here my billion GB iPod. 
Me: Man who paid for all this?
iPhone5waala: 3???? You got 3???? *faints*

Female friend: blah blah blah blah
Female friend's friend: blah blah blah blah
Me: blah blah blah blah
*female friend check's phone*
*female friend's friend check's phone*
*me checks phone*
Female friend's friend: Ewwwww.. What's that? Is it that 3 waala model?
Me: Yaa... ummmm... ummmm....
Female Friend: Ohh he bought it when it was launched you know he really loves it.. i keep telling him to change it even the screen's broken but he just doen't listen
Me: Hehehe.. yaaa

Female friend's friend: (shrugs) whateva.


Prologue:

I bought this phone when it cost-ed 21k. No big deal considering the last Samsung smartphone I owned I had just thrown it really hard and crushed it to pieces making it absolutely necessary for me to buy a new phone without any procrastination. iPhone4 was costing around 45k and it made absolutely no sense to me to spend a fortune buying it. Considering I drop/lose/break-by-throwing my phones at my fancy whims and moods. 

Philosophy:

There's a difference when you can't buy something and when you don't want to buy something. The difference is huge/enormous/mammoth. 

I had just bought my iPhone "3S" when immediately afterwards I happened to be at dinner with a SOB who had an iPhone "4S" bought recently and he tried to show-it-off before females present in our vicinity. But then that's where the difference lies I knew I could have bought it but i didn't it was a conscious logical decision not something that I had forced upon myself.

I have my own rule a phone's price must be directly proportional to the number of months I'll use it. Example a 12k phone will last for 12 months in my hand nothing more nothing less. 21k phone has to last 21 months before I officially declare it dead or by destroying it "make-it-dead" instead. So my iPhone 3 bought in Mar 2012 has to survive till December 2013. No matter what.  

Main Body:

The different reaction's I suffer due to iPhone 5 launch and materialism:

Person1 : Toothpaste Meswak liya hain? Paisa bacha rhe ho naya iPhone lene k liye?

Person2 : Dude you should totally buy iPhone 5 it has technical wonders like blah blah blah blah...  itna GB utna pixel ye processor wo speed.. 

Person3 : Arre yaar you don't have a credit card or what? Credit card se le lo..

Person4 : I'll get you a super 2nd hand kissi ko pata nahin chalega ki 2nd hand hain.

Imaginary Girlfriend: Naya phone? Mjhe kaunsa gift karoge?? My bday is coming you know I was wondering ki dono k pass same phone hona chahiye. 

Mummy : Itna mehanga phone tod bhi diya tumne? Kya naya phone lena hain? Paise bachaya kar beta...... 

Papa : Ye aaj kal ki generation pata nahin kya hain phone par hi lagey rahte hain jisse dekho........ hamare zamane main....

Apple people are stupid none of their adverts show that their products can get a girl. Look anything that is being sold in India is sold on the following two premises:

1. The product will get the customer a lot of hot skimpy clad women.

2. Kids love the product and their entire childhood happiness depends on it.

I'll elaborate only the first point for now. Everything from ENO to motorbikes/cars to deodorants to almost any weird product you can imagine you buy in India any product may it be a ceiling fan or cement the only thing that qualifies it of being worthy of your wallet is it's surprising ability to be a chick-magnet. You buy this suitcase all the hot women come running to you, you travel in TATA auto (what was it called magic i guess) and you'll find true love with a hot girl there. See everything eventually in the Indian advertising industry leads you to a hot woman many hot girls. Which if I'm not wrong is a subtle message for sex. So basically all the advertisers are selling sex isn't it? Buy this car, this phone, this watch, this home appliance, this insurance, this coffee, this soft-drink and you'll get unlimited sex. It isn't a bad deal atleast it's better than dying for what's left of Osama bin Laden's gang and gaining 72 holy virgins after death in heaven.

So what's wrong with Apple? They have no Indian ads. There iPhone5 isn't promising me unlimited sex with hot women even when I'll be spending a bomb on it. Naaahhhh... I ain't gonna spend my money on a product that tells no scintillating lies. 

Conclusion:

My whole self worth isn't dependent on the phone I carry, well, it depends on how I carry myself with the phone. So if the sole criterion of self worth is a smartphone than I think we are living in a seriously crooked up world. Now most people will say ohh no we don't judge people by their smartphone they own. Well think again :)

FACE THE FACEBOOK SLAM THE SLAM BOOK

मॉन्स्टर एंड मॉन्स्टर !!!

You know this is the age of Facebook girls upload their pics on fb and then guys check out and save them in their computer. More the pics uploaded by them more the saving frequency by boys. Then for classification purposes they get separated in folder name wise. So one there is a girl uploading her pics online and here boys are saving her pics offline folder wise name wise. So you open a New Folder and then it has sub-folders starting from girls with A and so on and so forth.

So a girl’s every activity, mood, party, trip, weekend is suitably quantified and qualified. You know what she’s listening to, which restaurant she’s having dinner at, which people she’s spending her weekend with. Stalking at your laptop screen you just have to “Log in”!! Big Brother doesn't have to do anything here we are willingly standing in queue knocking at his door telling him our every minute-est detail of our life. Well we can have George Orwell discussion time someday else.

But then there were the 90’s where only information you could have about the girl was through a tiny little colored book called “Slam Book”. The usual protocol was that you used to get in filled when you are leaving the school or somebody is leaving and you get it filled from him/her. A is friend with B who is friend with L who is closed friend with W and A has a crush on W and wants to know/research on his subject the only way he can get such written authoritative information was through “Slam Book”. If W has filled slam books of say L,G and R. A will try getting hold of all the slam books “by any means necessary. You know they say in साम, दाम , दंड , भेद !!!

I was just in junior school when we were playing our innocent game of chuppan-chuppai and I was hiding in a secluded spot when I heard two guys from senior section trading a slam book to get insider-info about a girl. It was like a deal between gangsters exchanging stolen diamonds. It was something like this:

Boy 1: Hmmmm.. So is it done?

Boy 2: Yeahh.. you know I’m on talking terms with her.. She was a little reluctant at first but then I pushed it..

Boy 1: Yeah yeah. Did she suspect anything?

Boy 2: Naah Naah.. I got it filled with almost 10 people before her including 2 other girls.

Boy 1: Did she ask you as to why you were getting it filled?

Boy 2: Yeahh she was suspicious. It’s only middle of the term our session is far from over I just said “Zindagi ka kya bharosa”.. hahahaha.. smart no?

Boy 1: IDIOT. Should have just said that your b’day is coming and you are getting it filled by all your close friends.

The deal was struck and the slambook exchanged hands. The slambook contained the whole character sketch of the girl. You know from the address (if she has given that) to her Dream Date (which hero/actor she prefers) her friends (the social circle which has to be acquainted with) her favourite movies, her favourite TV shows (which invariably always included F.R.I.E.N.D.S) her, favourite food, best moment of her life, this and that but the most important entry was “Love is____________” or “Love to me means_____________”. This single entry was the most significant in assessing the compatibility of the applicant with the girl.

See if a girl writes

1. Love is a FOUR letter word.

Assessment: Very cold girl with very less chances of success or she pretends to be cold.

2. Love is something I’m not interest/who knows, who cares?/ We’re too young.

Assessment: This was usually filled by girls who already knew they had 0.00% chances.

3. Love is a beautiful feeling shared by two souls.. (blah blah on those line)

Assessment: This is a jackpot. She is the dreamy type. She usually thinks of finding her knight in shining 

armour. She’s open to relationships. She’s the one target you have to lock.

Alas! Those were the days!! It’s like connecting dots which you have to connect the dots to make out the mental sketch of your “crush” and then device your strategy accordingly. All information was always through other people.

Boy X: भाई I saw her yday with her family in the market at xyz shop. She was wearing red colour top with mickey mouse on it and a dark blue jeans with black sandals.

Boy Y: भाई my friend lives near her house. He saw her in the evening on the rooftop wearing a yellow kurta and white pyjama and chappal. She was talking for whole 45 minutes on the phone. All the time laughing and giggling.

Boy Z: भाई I went to a wedding yday she had come there wearing an orange saree. She was really looking wonderful. Nice choice bhai you are really lucky. She is very nice girl didn’t talk to any guy. She was with her mother all the time.

All this is when the girl doesn’t even know who this "भाई"  character is or if he’s alive, he exists or not!

Good ole’ times of the slam book!

Not A Movie Review: Go Goa Gone

You see my parents usually adore the movies I recommend to them. They have full faith in the movies that I tell them to watch. The list of such movies is few and includes both of English (including Final Destination 5 and The Inglorious Busterds among others) and Hindi. My parent’s movie calendar is usually over-shadowed by their social calendar and the few movies they watch based on nice promos and blitzkrieg marketing campaigns often turn out to be torture sessions.

Being an ardent fan of Zombie literature and movies it was no doubt super-exciting to have zombies in India. Level 10 comics had bought Zombies to Bangalore in The Rabhas Incident and Samit Basu bought them to Delhi in Unholi. This was their debut on the Indian big screen for the first time and that too in Goa. 

Since it was more of a Zombie comedy (or a Zom-Com) I thought it was perfectly harmless to recommend the movie to my parents. (It was the first movie that I recommended without seeing- Zombie prem!!). They eventually did manage to follow my suggestion as usual and ended up calling me in a horrified state.

Dad: Hello son

Me: how waz the movie????

Dad: seriously why was this movie recommended to “US”? 

Me: you know zombies in India and such cool stuff

Dad: that's ok but...

Me: *thinks something is fishy*

Me: ummm.. I haven't watched the movie dad. I just saw the promos.

Dad: phew.. Really? U havent seen it? Good Heavens! 

Me: *thinks I need to see the movie*

Finally after seeing World War Z, I was lamenting how I missed the first Indian Zombie movie which even my parents have seen. As fate would have it I got a chance to see the movie (I dare not mention the pirated downloaded version it was). And I saw the movie through my parents eyes *sadly*.

First about the Girl: A character sketch- She sees this dude naked in swimming pool and mind you she has a good look at his.. well..., winks at him makes fun of him and of-course is not at all embarrassed when the guy tries to put his swimming trunk on, standing next to her. Then she invites the dudes to a rave party organised by Russian Mafia on a lonely island full of drugs and booze, meets this guy again and asks him if he wants to go out somewhere. They go out someplace lonely near a beach, now what ideally should happen is what happens in every English movie : Ding-Dong-Sing-Along all night. But no here the bhartiya naari in the girl emerges like Jhansi ki Rani when the guy tries to kiss her and he gets a long lecture on morality. Okk another scene she is surrounded by 5 guys almost all unknown to her till recently, Saif Ali Khan asks her to take off her clothes to check if he’s infected and ohh yes she does that in half a second with a little formal hesitation. No problem in that, but when dudes try to hit on her when she’s sleeping alone there there again a big Moral Lecture for the dudes. Either the lady is Schizophrenic or the director could not afford her fees for the more intimate scenes.

Director: Okk in this scene you’ll have sex

Girl: Ohh really? I’m leaving that’s it pay me 10 times more for this scene or re-shoot with another woman.

Director: Damn! Okk change in script.. you refuse sex boldly. Act convincingly..

Girl: You bet on that..

Well among other things after seeing the movie I’m not pretty sure if Goa lies in Republic of India jurisdiction or if there Russians have taken over our tiny state.

Meet the Indian Zombies: Well I should say I was pretty impressed by the Zombies in the movie.. They didn’t turn out to be the poor man’s zombie (you know the Ramsay Brothers type evil-dead’s) but they turned out to be very well dressed and with just the right amount of make-up. Very convincing! Almost as good as we see in any Hollywood movie. Hats-off to that.  Moreover only the firangis were shown as Zombies so it didn't look creepy at all.

Generally speaking: Movie is filled with sexual innuendos and yeah drugs everywhere. Pot culture, sex, curse words and Bikini Babes it has almost everything that will make an Indian Parent’s worst nightmare so my parents have seen the worst of Indian youth may be they believe that is what happens in Corporate India. This of course is a good thing! My parents must be now thinking how their own son is on the safer side on the Indian Youth decency curve!

They must be thinking:

“He’s got issues of buying too many toys, comics and books so he hardly has any money left for those expensive drugs, expensive Goa trips or paying the expenses of maintaining a hot girlfriend. Our son is safe from these evils!”   

Hi5!!! Goal Achieved.      

Kundli and The Great Indian Wedding Tamasha

In my 26 years of existence on earth I never knew my horoscope (janampatri) or the time of my birth was of any significance till I got into the “great Indian shaadi mela”. (A big round of applause for the prospective Groom - ME!) I realised how lucky I have been to have parents who till recently didn’t even remember the exact time of my birth. (They had to dig out old records) See you can’t blame it on them when I was born in Meerut on 21 May 1987; there were riots underway throughout the city between the Muslims and Hindus. When the labour pains started my mother was taken to hospital in a car having a special pass which could pass through the curfew. In such an eventful arrival of my glorious soul in all my magnificence who expects to be worried about the exact time of birth I popped out and started wailing?

Imagine my dad.

The Nurse screaming at her “Congrats It’s a boy!!!”

Shoving me in his arms and he refuses little innocent me saying “Wait, let me check the time first.”

(I don’t intend any feminist outrage here please.) Feminists for the above careless remark of the nurse can imagine saying to my dad

“Shit... It’s a boy... Where’s the dustbin?”

So I popped into earth and found myself to be in India (Damn! I was supposed to be delivered in California. GOD DAMMIT this FedEx, you can never trust them at all. Let me get old enough to sue them.)  So hopelessly I carried out my life giving exams each year, getting bashed up quite often for not keeping up with my Indian counterparts. I saw tele-series and movies of US of A imagining all the fun I'd be having at the beaches with the babes instead of slogging day-in and day-out with the books here. I think I got off the topic didn’t I? Oh yeah I did, lemme just get back to what I was saying.

So I grew up peacefully without ever inquiring about my birth nitty-gritty’s you know the time, the hospital et al. I knew for sure I was born in Meerut and on 21 May 1987 because that information was asked at school like a million times. The teachers asking us to even write essays every year on it.

“THE CITY OF MY BIRTH - MEERUT”

~Parv Kaushik

Well as a child I couldn't do much socio-politic-economic analysis of Meerut but I did quite manage to write something.  Everything else was of practically no importance since date was all you needed to read the Sunday horoscope in the Sunday Times.(Yes I'm a Gemini now tell me my lucky day, my lucky gem and my lucky number of the week) Or while doing a horoscope match with a dream date by reading Linda Goodman. (Wow she’s a Leo we can really hit it off.) Just that Linda Goodman never did me any good in getting me any of my dream dates.

So you get into this whole marriage tamasha and you realise doting parents asking you not your salary or education first but “What my son is you exact time of birth?” (Now I’m back to the topic.)

“Thou will telleth me the exact moment in time of thy delivery and if thy stars are in unification with my holy-est honourable-est daughter’s star thou shall answereth additional nuptial inquest.”

I’m just converting the modern lingo into Shakespearean lingo.

Only time I was interested in my time of birth was when I wanted to get even with a girl who shared my birth date but certainly not my wisdom of humility in one’s own superior endowment in intellect over the rest of dim-witted populace. She was haughty and egotistical and I had to make sure I was born before her even if by 10 minutes for in childhood such seniority means a lot. That girl today is a part of one of the Ivy League colleges in the US of A. While me on the other hand... I'm still counting humility and modesty as my No.1 virtue… Ahemm... Let’s again get back to the main topic.

So this is cheating right? You study all through your life, missing TV shows and cricket matches, slogging to reach somewhere in life and it turns out people are more interested in your time of birth than your marks. When somebody actually recoiled in horror telling me I’m a “mangalik” and remarked that I might be a threat to my prospective wife’s life I could not logically arrive at that conclusion.

My police records are clean, I haven't visited mental correction facility since 21 May 1987 (though a lot of friends will remark that I should), thankfully I have never been recommended for counselling by a psychologist, no person or eyewitness can remark that I have hurt anyone physically (shameful, since childhood I wanted to be a feared Don among other dreams).

I saw this advert of Windows 8 on tivo and this Pandit-ji asks the Aunty-ji if her daughter is a “mangalik” to which the poor woman recoils in horror denying it like a charge of paedophile has been slapped on her son.

I GOT CONCERNED, IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

Am I psycho in the making? Am I sleepwalking at night and killing people at whim? The Dexter in me just was waiting for the dawn of wedding to wake up and then he will graduate to be a full-fledged cold blooded serial killer?   

My parents didn’t seem much concern with this fact. (Which caused more concern- do they know something and I don’t? are they hiding something from me?) They would give my janampatri to anyone who asked and say “Please check for yourself, if you are happy, content and satisfied we can talk further on more relevant topics like about your daughter’s interests.” Fascinatingly some people said I’m not a mangalik some said I was partial-mangalik all in all the debate has not yet been settled. Different sources quote differently.

This concluding paragraph I want to give a big moral lecture on how we should embrace modern thinking and not get too trapped in the old-conventional-orthodox mindset and move on with the evolution of science and technology. But yeah we all know that. Blah blah blah….

And frankly I’m getting late you see~ today is a Sunday. Let me check my horoscope first in all the newspapers then I have to do my online weekly tarot reading. (Chao) 

Socio-Economic Analysis of Today's Female Generation

First things first. I don’t think “Pyaar ka Punchnaama” was a movie in the real sense, it was a documentary. A soul stirring, tear inducing, emotionally disturbing true story of the young men of our generation. The movie has nothing that you can call “exaggeration” or “inspired by true events” the movie itself is “true events”. I earnestly hope/dream/desire that in near future the movie will be shown by parents/schools/colleges to the young men entering the delicate stages of live for saving them their “emotional attayachar” which all varieties of women might put them through. Mark my words one day the parents will force their sons to ratto-fy the dialogues of the movie verbatim.

One of my movie-buff childhood friends “Dozer” did a little bit research on the movie and came out with astounding results. As per his account the above-mentioned movie was very poorly reviewed by ALL women movie-critics (of course who’ll like their secrets to be out like this so publicly). I believe Dozer completely for his interest in movie-critics is more than the movies themselves (his own dream of being a movie-critic bite the dust, sadly) You are open to contest the above claim and I’m open to edit this article if you think otherwise.

Dozer and I were having deep philosophical discussions about the socio-economic evolution of Indian females of our generation (which we have been doing since childhood). When we compiled the data of the females of our environment we came to a conclusion that the social development of Indian women has been proceeding in a strikingly similar fashion. Girl’s are suddenly finding virtues in night outs, being cool by all means, being too much extrovert and flirting with guys, weekend trips to exotic places; drinking/smoking, long bike trips/long drives and other some issues not fit for description here. (So before you think I’m propounding Taliban style Shariat Law for women illuminating high moral standards and degrading the nayi nari- you got me all wrong. I’m all for “open women” you know for obvious reasons. Imagine being born in India of 1960s- I’d so prefer to die.)

The one movie whose dialogues have been ratto-fied by almost every girl in India is of Kareena Kapoor’s character Geet in “Jab We Met” (personal experience so no contesting this claim at all). So much so that when a friend showed me a video he had made of his girlfriend (no it’s not that type- you filthy naughty minds) it was of a girl mimicking in exact same way the dialogues of Kareena Kapoor from the movie- the whole dialogue with expressions and exact same voice modulation presented before me by an unknown female- an act I have seen duplicated in the women of my generation. After this movie a series of movies came (or may be some before that- don’t hound me on timeline I’m not much of movie chronicler like Dozer). But look at all these successful movies Jaane Tu.. Ya Jaane Naa, Break ke Baad and many many others. (I should call Dozer now to get the list we discussed).

All these movies portray men as some really nice, cute, dormant kind of person dominated by wild, devil-may-care, I-don’t-care-for-society’s-status-quo kind of women and then the girls start believing “OMG That’s me! Let’s go party!”. So the women of our generation have found their role models (thank God it was not Sunny Leone!) in Kareena Kapoor’s portrayal of Geet and like characters in other movies. So far so good. So what am I exactly cribbing against?

Nothing has changed for boys of our generation. 

In fact for men the status quo has remained the same since the Stone Age, may be it has got even worse than that taking into account the screwed-up sex ratio in our country. The best hunters and gatherers well – “get the women” for they can provide them with food and security. Look at it now it’s still pretty much the same.

Boys still have to study (hard) to get good grades to be able to make an impression on girls in schools, then you get into a place called girl-is-in-future-after-this mode. The lies you tell yourself then are:

Lie 1:   I’ll get good grades in boards I’ll impress girls prove to be a good hunter (capable of providing them with food, shelter and security in future) and then get a super hot girlfriend.

Lie 2:   I’ll get into good engineering college- proof that my future is bright and secure and then I’ll find a hot girlfriend.

Lie 3:   I’ll get a high paying job proving my hunting skills are good not only in Counter Strike but in real life too and then I’ll find a good looking girlfriend.

Lie 4:   I’ll get into a mind-fucking-blowing MBA college which has best marketed it’s highest salary package and hence my superior hunting skills I have inherited from my fore-fathers will shine brightly in all it’s glory and then in the glory of my awesomeness I’ll find a girlfriend. You know any girlfriend. This is the break-up season; I’ll hunt on newly single girls.

Supreme Truth:         Beta tumhare liye hamare gaon waali Champa ka rishta aaya hain. Suna hain BA pass hain aur khaana bahut badiya banaati hain. Ab toh teri naukri lag gyi hain aa teri shaadi kara doon.

Well unless your father worked hard to crack the IAS exam, or started a business empire, headed a criminal gang, was involved in a Scam et al; for a general category student life is tough and getting a girlfriend tougher. Amen!   

The Heavy Sudden Brunch... and my empty wallet.

It was supposed to be an extremely relaxing Sunday for me while I was in ____ (name of city withheld due to security reasons) but a long lost friend (yes yes a girl!!!) happened to ping me (m really not lying) and a program was fixed to catch up over brunch. I told her to select a restaurant of her choice, for I heavily rely on female in-depth knowledge on local cuisines. She happily mentioned some place "nice" and BAM! We were meeting that some place "nice".

It turned out to be a 5-star Hotel. (DAMN!) Thank you HDFC for the debit card you gave me I didn't had to turn around and run for an ATM. It was too late to tell her how suddenly my bowel movements have developed  irregularity neither could I instantly remember that it was ashtami ka aadha chaand which is an awesome nakshatra to keep a fast for reasons best known to my babaji who has advised me to not even look at food. I did think of fake-fainting on the road and fake a heart attack but it would be too much dramatics and poor girl was just too small to lift me, what if she calls the guards of the hotel and I’m instantly booked a room at the hotel? I might then have a real heart attack.

With fear filled tragedy and grief stricken heart I slowly crawled my way into the mammoth opulence of sheer brilliance of interior designers. The feeling of euphoria of entering a place as affluent like this ended when I began to think of the bill. With dad it was fun to visit places like these, now with my own hard-earned money on the line, I could just end my life of shock.

Oh so it was a Sunday Buffet on the roof top.

I'm telling my brain and stomach. You have to eat thrice your capacity. I'm not eating or feeding you anything for the next 48 hours. Just chew chew and chew. As I flex my jaws for an endless diet to justify setting my money on fire because of the woman with me. Ohh… I remember all this has been happening and this girl has been continuously blabbering and chattering. I have no clue how many characters have “come-scrutinized-gone” in her conversations by now. Pay attention. Pay attention.

Madam: "Oh God it's a buffet here... They have awful.. Oh bad luck"

Me: (Mann main laddu foota) "Ohh no... We can still go someplace else... They are giving a Batman free with Happy Meal at McDonalds"

Madam: "HAHAHA... Noooo I can't disappoint you... You have so far to meet me and you must be hungry... We'll not waste more time. I’m sure YOU'RE starving, at least I AM"

Me: "NO, not at all... Its okk we can go anywhere else that's better... what was that Dhaba you were talking about?"

Madam: "It's okk alas! Such a bad day... Let’s start... Are you vegan or non veg?"

Me: "!@#$%&"

I know what comes next... Trust me I do. I have been through this a lot many times now. Girl comes starving like she's about to die if she's not fed within the next 30 seconds and her location by the hand of destiny is always around the choicest (and costliest) of restaurant. The girl then orders like she hasn't had food for a week and ends up not eating what she has ordered for it didn't suit her… I don't know why… "taste buds" I guess? The more exclusive the item, the less likely it is to be eaten at all, sometimes not at all because dear dish you weren't gorgeous enough to be devoured by a gorgeous woman. The same girl who was about to die of starvation is now revived for the whole day by just tasting the exclusiveness of the dishes and of course not paying. Aren't you a gentleman?

 Being in a buffet means you eat everything there is to eat and as much as you can eat. So I filled my plate with every item. Everything in Vegan section from soup to paneer tikka to mix veg to pizza to kadhai panner to appetizers to main course to starters... all piled up on my plate- right, left and centre. Nothing missed, nothing taken just once or twice or thrice (yes I’ll eat them all). This is my strategy to dent the hospitality industry. They're gonna make the ‘leastest’ profit from my payment of Buffet. I pinkie-promise myself that today these looters are gonna regret letting me in their corridors through the elevator on to the roof-top for their special buffet which my dear guest and host has declared inedible and is determined to prove to these guyz that their culinary skills are not impressive enough to make her take anything on her plate.

Madam: "The food really is awful... I don't like their buffet preparation at all... The last time I was here with a friend it was the same menu too... I just felt like jumping off from the roof-top"

Me:  "Hmmm... chop chop... well your plate is totally empty what you gonna eat?"

Madam: "I don't feel like eating much. I'll go home and have something. It's ok."

Me: thinks*oh God... kill me kill me kill me* can I claim a re-fund or something?

"It's totally cool... but I think you'll like the pizza it's very Italian." (I only meant it's less spicy)

Madam: "How much will you eat? I liked the soup, I think I'll just hop to desserts... I like them though... they are better… but they don't have many choices."

Me: thinks*dessert section was next to salad section... ohh God I had to take the salad again I better grab that egg-something-something that was kept there then with virtue of patience and persistence… insha-allah I’ll raid everything again and stuff it in my stomach for future digestion*

"Actually I haven't eaten since yesterday night; you know work-related issues and all, so I’ll just fill my stomach... And all this physical labour they make us do we need to supplement our bodies with a lot of fibre, fat, protein... necessary for health and all yaar."

Madam:"Awwww… Govt makes you people work so hard naa... "

And then…

The most anticipated moment of bill arrives. And I slowly opened the dreaded bill.

S

SL

SLO

SLOW

SLOWL

SLOWLY

SLOWLY S

SLOWLY SL

SLOWLY SLO

SLOWLY SLOW

SLOWLY SLOWL

SLOWLY SLOWLY

I can hear my heart beats thumping against my chest. My heart pumping blood through the arteries, circulating throughout the body and I can feel the pulse on my fingertips vibrating with the heartbeat. Has the world started spinning faster or is it just me feeling dizzy. There there. I can hear all the sounds and noises on top of this multi storied concrete structure. The edge of the roof calls me. I might as well jump and then with a sudden realization it hits me: This is what I pay for two months as my food bill in my excellent and efficient mess. Agggghhhhhh…. KILL ME… KILL ME… KILL ME…

Two months of my food bill... gone *poof* from my card in just a Sunday buffet. Due to this wonderful female who hasn't eaten at all and as per my estimate would be going back and cooking maybe a 2-minute Maggie at her flat. All is well... All is well... Om shanti shanti shanti... What were those effective methods to “keep yourself calm in high stress situation” article I try to remember. There goes my money... hard earned money and the thought that usually follows such incidents is a common one;

What could I have bought with that money?

I probably won't even be taking my wife there to that place where I had just eaten the (truth be told) inedible buffet. My mind flashes images of all the desirable objects I had intended and yearned to owned but forsaken for the sake of decency of my salary. Most of all the Batman action figure which was supposed to be imported from US and which was costing exactly the same amount as the bill that I had just unwillingly paid. The big remote-control cars/helicopters which I had planned, planned and planned some more but eventually given up on the decision to buy. Some of them cheaper that the amount I had just debited from my bank balance. Monstrosity.

I can so relate to the character in the TV Series "Dexter". I can so relate to his dark passenger. Perfect legitimate reasons I guess to chop up people into thin slices. After my mind had gone through all the items that I could have bought with the just thrown money my mind races to next best option: How to recover the lost money? Should I take this lady to a secluded spot and tell her I need her to refund my money... at least her share. Wait a sec she’s still talking continuously about something let me check what is she saying.

Yes lady I'm all ears about your relationship issues, please go ahead I’m listening. I'm a trained psychiatrist... I love people opening up their hearts to me. Ohh you got some parental issues too? Wowww I’m so warmed up to hear you. 

I think I’ll have to cut down on my expenses and probably in around next 06 months of strict austerity measures I could claim to have recovered 3/4th of the money I have just burned. 

Yes now you are talking about what? Career? My heart is still thumping against my chest. Great meeting you girl. Catch you later. (hopefully never) :P