Friday, October 11, 2013

This Is Why You Should Marry A Lazy Boring Guy

This is why you should marry a lazy boring guy.  

Lately a lot of my female friends have been telling me how they were all freaked out by “The Great Indian Wedding Tamasha” and how they dreaded ending up with a “lazy boring guy”. A sentiment echoed by many. The reasons given for not marrying were all different and came in all shapes and sizes but in the end all arguments reached a single point like a branched flowchart ending at a nodal box saying
“I don't want to end up with a LBG (lazy boring guy).”
A friend of mine who happens to be a super secret member of the lazy boring guy community decided to take things seriously and come out in open and present a case in favour of his community. Ofcourse he was too lazy to write the whole thing so I was summoned to pass his message. I hope in the end you might just say:      
“All I want a lazy boring guy. They are so cool !!”            

1. No Dowry Harassment because it requires too much of an effort

If you end up marrying a lazy boring guy believe me you are in safe hands. Our country has disturbing statistics when it come to dowry deaths. Mental and physical harassment of wives for more dowry is a common lore in all strata of society. Then their are cases of 'kitchen fires' where women are burned alive by husbands and in-laws by pouring kerosene and statement before the police is that the woman died a tragic kitchen fire death.            
Now if the guy is a lazy sorts do you think he'll take the trouble? No. He'll be too lazy to even imagine the whole thing. The thought process will go something like this:            

Okk I have to kill my wife. I'll go to market>> buy lots of kerosene>> wait for an opportune time>> pour it on my wife>> burn her while maintaining all precaution that no help in form of neighbours come or she might not just run to bathroom and stand in a shower when the fire has hardly burned her clothes>> what if she sees me with kerosene and runs out??? Aggghhh too much trouble I'll decide this part later>> take her dead body>> remove all clues from home >> call police >> call hospital>> rush to hospital with her >>fake sad and wailing emotions>> tell police all sorts of lies>> hire a lawyer fight lawsuits>> if all this is said and done perfectly>> get married again.  Man that's too much of trouble.. why don't I just work harder at my job, get a appraisal than burning her and remarrying another>>too much effort>>idea dropped.         

LBG: Hey wifey can i have a tea in bed.
Wifey: Yeah I'll give you.
LBG: Can I have food in bed too I kinda feel little tired to walk to the dining table.
Wifey: Yeahhh yeahhh.. tired my ass.
LBG: OMG! She's awesumm!!
No LBG thinks it's worth the trouble to kill or harass your wife for dowry not that they all are hard core feminists but just that it is too much of a trouble and action so not really worth it to dispose one off and getting another. It's takes so much energy to be angry and carry the hurt around so you'll have a husband in LBG who won't mentally or physically harass you for dowry.            
2. You'll have twice the money than in an ordinary marriage    
A LBG is usually a guy who spends a lot of time indoors he doesn't go out cuz it's always too windy/sunny/rainy/mightrain/airpollution. Now this is the No.1 nightmare of a lady. Ending up with a guy who doesn't want to hang out much, doesn't want to try the new restaurants, new malls, new pubs, new discs, new winter/summer collection, new sale offers, new this latest that. From new adventure parks to old monuments nothing makes him budge from his couch.        
This my dear ladies is a blessing in disguise for you.      
Each time he's not going out he's saving a lot of money and guess who's using that money? Yes it's YOU!! The more he goes out, the more he eats out. The more he goes to these new hip places the  more he's obligated to spend more on his clothes and saloon trips. Add to that the sky rocketing petrol prices and maintenance costs of car due to over-use. Think of all this money saved and ready to be splurged by you only and only on you. VOILA! You are twice as rich.            

So you hang out at all the cool places. You go to hotels that would normally be out of reach. You buy clothes that you'd normally only window shop and lust after. Your friends and acquaintances will marvel how much of an invest genius your husband is who is always away from banalities of life and “sansaarik moh maaya” and is applying his genius mind on higher things like stocks that give unbelievable returns. You'll be your friends envy and your ex-es will probably sulk on how you made the right choice in dumping them and marrying a genius guy who earns a lot just by spending time home.            

If you are planning a normal holiday for 2 to a South-East country it'll cost you x amount of money. But if your husband likes his sleep and bed and couch too much you have 2x money and you go and travel Europe instead!! From a budget of say Malaysia for 2 you can go to Euro Trip of your own.        
Imagine the reaction of your friends:
“Her husband is a rich guy!”
“They have so much money.”
“He's so open minded let's her wife travel alone.”
“He's giving her her own space.”
“She's single while married, who doesn't want that?”        
3. Who isn't complicated these days?  

Who doesn't have issues and isn't complicated these days? Everybody has his own issues. Everybody is inside his head more or less freaked out with all sort of mental complications meriting the attention of a psychiatrist. Some has childhood issues, someone has ex-issues this issue that issue.            

Look at a LBG guy look at his face so serene, so full of calm. Complicating things, overthinking things, imagining problems (that do not exist) and dwelling in the past too much all requires a considerable amount of effort which of course a Lazy person cannot afford. Look at the quantum of energy it requires to overthink and complicate things or to over analyze the event in the past.            

Somebody the LBG-type is close to enlightenment as one can be. He refuses to think much or not at all. So you as a wife are not analyzed, hidden meanings behind your actions will not be sought after. Complicated people complicate everyone and everything, So you can be comfortable that your words/ your past/ your actions won't be be playing in a continuous repeat loop inside his head keeping him awake at many a nights.     
Complicated Guy:            
“She said she won't go to watch the latest Transformers series movie with me. What does it mean?"            
Does she not like me anymore?
Our choice of movies is different. Does it mean we are different people stuck in a marriage?
Is she dating someone else?
Does her no mean my position as husband is undermined?
Am I forcing my choices on her too much?
Should I ask my ex-gf for this movie? I have watched all Transformer series with her and she loves them.
Am I thinking of cheating her?
Seeing a movie with ex-gf qualifies as cheating?
That article on survey of Indan married men says 37% of married men cheat. Am I one of the 37%?
Who is the leading lady of Transformers this time? I wish they had Angelina Jolie.        
A Lazy Boring guy:            

“Arre yaar ab kaun baith k soche? Chalo let's have a sund sleep, dekha jaaega.”
“Ab chalo jo hua so hua abhi SET MAX pe movie kaunsi aa rahi hain?” “If I think too much I'll get really tired chalo lets quickly jump to a conclusion.”

4. You get to spend quality time with each other.    

One of the most common grounds for divorces is that couples are not able to spend quality time with each other. The reasons for this are plenty and well known.  Job requirements, both have own careers, both have unsocial circles, both have own hobbies/social commitments. In a normal career oriented urban household couples are spending less and less quality time with each other and more and more time either with themselves or with their careers. The lack of time of each other results in lack of understanding between couples which invariably leads to disagreements and fights between them and in most cases it ends in divorces.                   

So what's the purpose of spending time with an totally adventurous dude when the only conversation you'll end up having is how you no longer can have a conversation. He'll be out climbing hills or diving deep into the seas and you'll be having your samba dance classes, art classes, yoga/aerobic classes, girls night outs and stuff like that and before you know it, there'll be two talented strangers living under one roof.            
You can avoid it.            

Marry a LBG guy, he'll have all the time in the world for you and for your nagging. He'll be there at job which he has carefully chosen (requires maximum salary with minimum input hours) and is enough to make him weary and sleepy and with no other taxing activities to fill his day - all his time *TADA!* is yours!!!            
Only an LBG guy can enjoy a relaxing soothing Sunday with staying indoors having long bath and soaking sunlight singing praises of the Lord for creating such a beautiful world. So you can fill his empty days with your plans, your requirements, your conversation. Sure he'll not be able to enjoy it as fully as he was enjoying his power nap of 8 hours on Sunday noon but still what choice does he have but to bear you with a beer. Only with an LBG guy can you not have issues of not having enough conversations.            

5. No extra-marital affairs  

If you go for the hottest guy in the flock and if he happens to meet your “cool-adventurous guy” requirements like playing guitar, playing soccer/rugby, gym enthusiast with six pack abs, hangs out at hottest clubs you are looking at a face of potential cheater.            

I mean don't blame him, you asked for it.            

This hot dude with a guitar on his back and six pack as abs to show-off and any girl will be swept off her feet. What might start as an attempt by girls at feeble/harmless flirting with him might just turn out to be a full swing hot and heavy extra-marital affair. He might find it hard to resist the temptation to escape from the boring predictable wife and marriage to an exciting world of sin and sex of having an extra marital girlfriend.            
Another option is our LBG guy who secretly in his deep heart desists having married at all. Marriage makes him work, 

marriage turns his freedom into responsibility and there he is stuck wondering if marriage means having to work in household jobs, going out shopping, taking bath daily, keeping the room clean and having no peaceful Sundays but Sundays spoiled at sabzi bazzar and Big Bazzar's buying everything from potatoes to jhaadus.            

Do you expect him to go out and start an affair all over again? He's just too lazy for that. 2 pints of beer with a football game on TV and your LBG is happy as hell and goes to sleep peacefully. It's just too much effort to manage two ladies especially when one of them happens to be your wife.            

LBG is just too lazy to manage and divide his life between two women. It increases work drastically and requires meticulous planning. Who'll manage all the timings and running around to make both ends meet? Remember that movie where Akshay Kumar is dating 3 Air Hostesses. Such pain to manage the call recods, the date timings, leaving behind no traces to uncover, clandestine meetings and what not? Calm down. Your LBG husband is just too lazy to even imagine or dream an extra marital affair.            


So my my friend after much persuasion is just to lazy to narrate more points. He had promised me more “an earth shattering list” to be precise but I'm staring at a list of 5. Anyways if you google top reason for divorces of Indian marriages you'll know most of them have been covered above and the other points which have not been covered would have been covered only if my LBG friend wasn't so.... well.... lazy!            

Stop generalizing and stop demeaning LBG people. On a personal opinion I feel LBG's are like sarkari naukri safe and secure and CAG's (Cool Adventurous Guys) are like private job. With the Sensex and society's morals taking a nose dive everyday I feel LBG's and sarkari naukris are a pretty safe bet.