Sunday, July 21, 2013


मॉन्स्टर एंड मॉन्स्टर !!!
You know this is the age of Facebook girls upload their pics on fb and then guys check out and save them in their computer. More the pics uploaded by them more the saving frequency by boys. Then for classification purposes they get separated in folder name wise. So one there is a girl uploading her pics online and here boys are saving her pics offline folder wise name wise. So you open a New Folder and then it has sub-folders starting from girls with A and so on and so forth.

So a girl’s every activity, mood, party, trip, weekend is suitably quantified and qualified. You know what she’s listening to, which restaurant she’s having dinner at, which people she’s spending her weekend with. Stalking at your laptop screen you just have to “Log in”!! Big Brother doesn't have to do anything here we are willingly standing in queue knocking at his door telling him our every minute-est detail of our life. Well we can have George Orwell discussion time someday else.

But then there were the 90’s where only information you could have about the girl was through a tiny little colored book called “Slam Book”. The usual protocol was that you used to get in filled when you are leaving the school or somebody is leaving and you get it filled from him/her. A is friend with B who is friend with L who is closed friend with W and A has a crush on W and wants to know/research on his subject the only way he can get such written authoritative information was through “Slam Book”. If W has filled slam books of say L,G and R. A will try getting hold of all the slam books “by any means necessary. You know they say in साम, दाम , दंड , भेद !!!

I was just in junior school when we were playing our innocent game of chuppan-chuppai and I was hiding in a secluded spot when I heard two guys from senior section trading a slam book to get insider-info about a girl. It was like a deal between gangsters exchanging stolen diamonds. It was something like this:

Boy 1: Hmmmm.. So is it done?
Boy 2: Yeahh.. you know I’m on talking terms with her.. She was a little reluctant at first but then I pushed it..
Boy 1: Yeah yeah. Did she suspect anything?
Boy 2: Naah Naah.. I got it filled with almost 10 people before her including 2 other girls.
Boy 1: Did she ask you as to why you were getting it filled?
Boy 2: Yeahh she was suspicious. It’s only middle of the term our session is far from over I just said “Zindagi ka kya bharosa”.. hahahaha.. smart no?
Boy 1: IDIOT. Should have just said that your b’day is coming and you are getting it filled by all your close friends.

The deal was struck and the slambook exchanged hands. The slambook contained the whole character sketch of the girl. You know from the address (if she has given that) to her Dream Date (which hero/actor she prefers) her friends (the social circle which has to be acquainted with) her favourite movies, her favourite TV shows (which invariably always included F.R.I.E.N.D.S) her, favourite food, best moment of her life, this and that but the most important entry was “Love is____________” or “Love to me means_____________”. This single entry was the most significant in assessing the compatibility of the applicant with the girl.

See if a girl writes

1. Love is a FOUR letter word.
Assessment: Very cold girl with very less chances of success or she pretends to be cold.

2. Love is something I’m not interest/who knows, who cares?/ We’re too young.
Assessment: This was usually filled by girls who already knew they had 0.00% chances.

3. Love is a beautiful feeling shared by two souls.. (blah blah on those line)
Assessment: This is a jackpot. She is the dreamy type. She usually thinks of finding her knight in shining 
armour. She’s open to relationships. She’s the one target you have to lock.

Alas! Those were the days!! It’s like connecting dots which you have to connect the dots to make out the mental sketch of your “crush” and then device your strategy accordingly. All information was always through other people.

Boy X: भाई I saw her yday with her family in the market at xyz shop. She was wearing red colour top with mickey mouse on it and a dark blue jeans with black sandals.

Boy Y: भाई my friend lives near her house. He saw her in the evening on the rooftop wearing a yellow kurta and white pyjama and chappal. She was talking for whole 45 minutes on the phone. All the time laughing and giggling.

Boy Z: भाई I went to a wedding yday she had come there wearing an orange saree. She was really looking wonderful. Nice choice bhai you are really lucky. She is very nice girl didn’t talk to any guy. She was with her mother all the time.

All this is when the girl doesn’t even know who this "भाई"  character is or if he’s alive, he exists or not!

Good ole’ times of the slam book!

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Not A Movie Review: Go Goa Gone

You see my parents usually adore the movies I recommend to them. They have full faith in the movies that I tell them to watch. The list of such movies is few and includes both of English (including Final Destination 5 and The Inglorious Busterds among others) and Hindi. My parent’s movie calendar is usually over-shadowed by their social calendar and the few movies they watch based on nice promos and blitzkrieg marketing campaigns often turn out to be torture sessions.

Being an ardent fan of Zombie literature and movies it was no doubt super-exciting to have zombies in India. Level 10 comics had bought Zombies to Bangalore in The Rabhas Incident and Samit Basu bought them to Delhi in Unholi. This was their debut on the Indian big screen for the first time and that too in Goa. 

Since it was more of a Zombie comedy (or a Zom-Com) I thought it was perfectly harmless to recommend the movie to my parents. (It was the first movie that I recommended without seeing- Zombie prem!!). They eventually did manage to follow my suggestion as usual and ended up calling me in a horrified state.

Dad: Hello son
Me: how waz the movie????
Dad: seriously why was this movie recommended to “US”? 
Me: you know zombies in India and such cool stuff
Dad: that's ok but...
Me: *thinks something is fishy*
Me: ummm.. I haven't watched the movie dad. I just saw the promos.
Dad: phew.. Really? U havent seen it? Good Heavens! 
Me: *thinks I need to see the movie*

Finally after seeing World War Z, I was lamenting how I missed the first Indian Zombie movie which even my parents have seen. As fate would have it I got a chance to see the movie (I dare not mention the pirated downloaded version it was). And I saw the movie through my parents eyes *sadly*.

First about the Girl: A character sketch- She sees this dude naked in swimming pool and mind you she has a good look at his.. well..., winks at him makes fun of him and of-course is not at all embarrassed when the guy tries to put his swimming trunk on, standing next to her. Then she invites the dudes to a rave party organised by Russian Mafia on a lonely island full of drugs and booze, meets this guy again and asks him if he wants to go out somewhere. They go out someplace lonely near a beach, now what ideally should happen is what happens in every English movie : Ding-Dong-Sing-Along all night. But no here the bhartiya naari in the girl emerges like Jhansi ki Rani when the guy tries to kiss her and he gets a long lecture on morality. Okk another scene she is surrounded by 5 guys almost all unknown to her till recently, Saif Ali Khan asks her to take off her clothes to check if he’s infected and ohh yes she does that in half a second with a little formal hesitation. No problem in that, but when dudes try to hit on her when she’s sleeping alone there there again a big Moral Lecture for the dudes. Either the lady is Schizophrenic or the director could not afford her fees for the more intimate scenes.

Director: Okk in this scene you’ll have sex
Girl: Ohh really? I’m leaving that’s it pay me 10 times more for this scene or re-shoot with another woman.
Director: Damn! Okk change in script.. you refuse sex boldly. Act convincingly..
Girl: You bet on that..

Well among other things after seeing the movie I’m not pretty sure if Goa lies in Republic of India jurisdiction or if there Russians have taken over our tiny state.

Meet the Indian Zombies: Well I should say I was pretty impressed by the Zombies in the movie.. They didn’t turn out to be the poor man’s zombie (you know the Ramsay Brothers type evil-dead’s) but they turned out to be very well dressed and with just the right amount of make-up. Very convincing! Almost as good as we see in any Hollywood movie. Hats-off to that.  Moreover only the firangis were shown as Zombies so it didn't look creepy at all.

Generally speaking: Movie is filled with sexual innuendos and yeah drugs everywhere. Pot culture, sex, curse words and Bikini Babes it has almost everything that will make an Indian Parent’s worst nightmare so my parents have seen the worst of Indian youth may be they believe that is what happens in Corporate India. This of course is a good thing! My parents must be now thinking how their own son is on the safer side on the Indian Youth decency curve!

They must be thinking:

“He’s got issues of buying too many toys, comics and books so he hardly has any money left for those expensive drugs, expensive Goa trips or paying the expenses of maintaining a hot girlfriend. Our son is safe from these evils!”   

Hi5!!! Goal Achieved.