You Don't Mess With The SP

Having fashion sense has never been my forte you know. That's why I’m lucky to be in a job where I don't have to wake up daily and look at the perplexing phenomenon my closet is and think... Hmmmm.. What am I going to wear today? Now that I am spoilt by the variety of choices but my choices usually have the set not-wearing-this-today criteria:

1.     What was I wearing yesterday? 
2.     Which one is the least wrinkled?
3.     Which one has not been washed in last two weeks?
4.     Which one has been mercilessly persecuted by SP?

Ask SP (Stoned Philosopher) she'll tell you in minute details all the embarrassing fashion faux pas I have committed in the four years of my college life. In fact I sometimes believe that she's just too much passionate conversing on it.

This one time (after almost three years after college and her getting married in meantime) I was at her home for dinner with her company colleagues cum friends and as usual I was building up this repo of me being this super-cool, witty, entertaining dude (hitting at some of the females in attendance there!). SP just couldn't take it anymore, after seeing me winning over the attention over her friends. So as-always-and-as-usual-and-as-expected she kicked in with two of her favourite stories (read: buried bygones) about me which she uses (successfully) to clip my wings and deflated the inflated ego I pretend to have. Okkk I believe you have the idea about how wicked this woman SP is.

So SP kicks in and starts narrating about the paucity of fashion sense I had ( please note the past tense) and how I used to be the laughing stock in her hostel room with her equally well-dressed and devilish girlfriends. The story usually works and then the same group laughing at my jokes now is laughing at me. Then the standard protocol happens: I start avoiding attention and the centre of attention shifts to SP.

Lesson bitterly learned~ You Don’t Mess with the SP.

(Keep her the cynosure of attention and live in peace & harmony)

(p.s.  no I’m letting you know the details of those stories so don’t expect them in rest of the article)

See the history is I was always told what to wear- first by my mother, then by my sister. Mummy's taste in clothes couldn't catch up with Youngistaan (wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt to a teenage party wasn’t cool anymore) and then my sister got married. So i was a fashion orphan. 

Also I was "in and out of relationships" so no-one could grill in me the much required and always deficit fashion sense.

(See I learnt this phase "in and out of relationships" in my Orkut career. Look if someone with oh-my-God!-tall-very fair-smart-handsome-dynamic personality like me declares he's without a girlfriend it will raise serious questions about his sexual orientation. So when anyone asked me my relationship status all I could come up was that "i'm in-and-out of relationships” and don’t you doubt me on this for this always worked like every single time).  

People in stable relationships respected you- “Oh my God he's at the advanced level of relationship he even has relationship issues." refer to my point 4 in this article. It also worked in gaining sympathy tears from girls.

She:    Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!! blah...blah...blah… So Parv you dating someone???? :P

Me:     hmmmm.. don’t ask… ahhh.. my life isn’t stable you know.. just in-and-out of relationships…    you know how weird some people can get L”

She:    "Awwww.. Poor you. What happened?"

Me:     "hehe.. Yeah poor me.. Don't ask.. Dnt wanna talk about it.. “

She:    “Awwww…. Okk *hugs*… Now smile J”

Me:    “Thanks sweetheart you are so nice J... so what you doin this weekend??. I was hoping to catch this movie…”

It also allowed me to dodge further personal and probing questions about my hypothetical relationship.

I have already introduced you to this wicked woman called Stoned Philosopher (SP). I now can’t resist winning your sympathy by narrating the excessive wickedness I have been subjected to by SP (My officially enemy No.1)

Yes the scene is again at a party hosted by SP in honour of her arrival on earth on that day some two and a half decades years back. I was there hanging around this really pretty girl I once had my prying eyes on, few years back and I believed she had shortlisted me too for the coveted and then recently vacated post of one of her boyfriends. After some animated discussions (which went on for a little too while) the girl remarked

Me:      Blah…Blah…Blah…

She:    Hahahahahahaha… Parv you’re so funny. (I added this part) But you appear so “Normal”.

Me:      Hahahahaha… Shhhh yeah I know I’m a crazy psycho. Now don’t tell this to anyone or I’ll end up in a Sanatorium.

She:    (Serious expression) No look I’m all for queer rights and I’m not joking but I have utmost respect for gay people… Blah…Blah...Blah…. I mean it’s really brave for you people to come out and accept it… Blah…Blah…Blah… But you don’t, I mean, look Gay to me. With all your funny-dating-with-girls stories.

Me:      Gulp… What? I’m sorry I think I had little too much to drink I’m hallucinating.

She:    You are having Orange Juice.

Me:      Huhh?? What did you say again... I think I should be seeing a psycho-therapist tomorrow itself. I’m definitely hallucinating.

She:    Now don’t blush and don’t you act all smart to me. SP told me YOU ARE GAY. You are like that Stanford to SP, yeahh she imagines herself as Carrie Bradshaw all the time (Refer Series Sex and the City) SP told me you go shopping with her. Can we go shopping next weekend please? I really need to buy some chic footwear. SP has a good collection and she tells me all thanks to you. Blah… Blah…Blah…

Me:      SPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.. I’LLL KILLLLLLLLLLL YOU. I’m straight girl.. Look here’s some authentic heterosexual porn in my smart phone. SSSPPPPP WHYYYYYYYYY??????     

SP:      I couldn’t let you take my best friend away. Would I? Now shuttupp don’t be a drama queen and enjoy my party. 

Lesson bitterly learned *again*~ You Don’t Mess with the SP.

(Keep her the cynosure of attention at her and live in peace & harmony)