This Is Why You Should Marry A Lazy Boring Guy

This is why you should marry a lazy boring guy.  

Prologue:

  

Lately a lot of my female friends have been telling me how they were all freaked out by “The Great Indian Wedding Tamasha” and how they dreaded ending up with a “lazy boring guy”. A sentiment echoed by many. The reasons given for not marrying were all different and came in all shapes and sizes but in the end all arguments reached a single point like a branched flowchart ending at a nodal box saying

          

“I don't want to end up with a LBG (lazy boring guy).”

            

A friend of mine who happens to be a super secret member of the lazy boring guy community decided to take things seriously and come out in open and present a case in favour of his community. Ofcourse he was too lazy to write the whole thing so I was summoned to pass his message. I hope in the end you might just say:      

      

“All I want a lazy boring guy. They are so cool !!”            

1. No Dowry Harassment because it requires too much of an effort

If you end up marrying a lazy boring guy believe me you are in safe hands. Our country has disturbing statistics when it come to dowry deaths. Mental and physical harassment of wives for more dowry is a common lore in all strata of society. Then their are cases of 'kitchen fires' where women are burned alive by husbands and in-laws by pouring kerosene and statement before the police is that the woman died a tragic kitchen fire death.            

Now if the guy is a lazy sorts do you think he'll take the trouble? No. He'll be too lazy to even imagine the whole thing. The thought process will go something like this:            

Okk I have to kill my wife. I'll go to market>> buy lots of kerosene>> wait for an opportune time>> pour it on my wife>> burn her while maintaining all precaution that no help in form of neighbours come or she might not just run to bathroom and stand in a shower when the fire has hardly burned her clothes>> what if she sees me with kerosene and runs out??? Aggghhh too much trouble I'll decide this part later>> take her dead body>> remove all clues from home >> call police >> call hospital>> rush to hospital with her >>fake sad and wailing emotions>> tell police all sorts of lies>> hire a lawyer fight lawsuits>> if all this is said and done perfectly>> get married again.  Man that's too much of trouble.. why don't I just work harder at my job, get a appraisal than burning her and remarrying another>>too much effort>>idea dropped.         

   

Meanwhile..            

LBG: Hey wifey can i have a tea in bed.

Wifey: Yeah I'll give you.

LBG: Can I have food in bed too I kinda feel little tired to walk to the dining table.

Wifey: Yeahhh yeahhh.. tired my ass.

LBG: OMG! She's awesumm!!

           

No LBG thinks it's worth the trouble to kill or harass your wife for dowry not that they all are hard core feminists but just that it is too much of a trouble and action so not really worth it to dispose one off and getting another. It's takes so much energy to be angry and carry the hurt around so you'll have a husband in LBG who won't mentally or physically harass you for dowry.            

2. You'll have twice the money than in an ordinary marriage    

A LBG is usually a guy who spends a lot of time indoors he doesn't go out cuz it's always too windy/sunny/rainy/mightrain/airpollution. Now this is the No.1 nightmare of a lady. Ending up with a guy who doesn't want to hang out much, doesn't want to try the new restaurants, new malls, new pubs, new discs, new winter/summer collection, new sale offers, new this latest that. From new adventure parks to old monuments nothing makes him budge from his couch.        

    

This my dear ladies is a blessing in disguise for you.      

      

Each time he's not going out he's saving a lot of money and guess who's using that money? Yes it's YOU!! The more he goes out, the more he eats out. The more he goes to these new hip places the  more he's obligated to spend more on his clothes and saloon trips. Add to that the sky rocketing petrol prices and maintenance costs of car due to over-use. Think of all this money saved and ready to be splurged by you only and only on you. VOILA! You are twice as rich.            

So you hang out at all the cool places. You go to hotels that would normally be out of reach. You buy clothes that you'd normally only window shop and lust after. Your friends and acquaintances will marvel how much of an invest genius your husband is who is always away from banalities of life and “sansaarik moh maaya” and is applying his genius mind on higher things like stocks that give unbelievable returns. You'll be your friends envy and your ex-es will probably sulk on how you made the right choice in dumping them and marrying a genius guy who earns a lot just by spending time home.            

If you are planning a normal holiday for 2 to a South-East country it'll cost you x amount of money. But if your husband likes his sleep and bed and couch too much you have 2x money and you go and travel Europe instead!! From a budget of say Malaysia for 2 you can go to Euro Trip of your own.        

Imagine the reaction of your friends:

           

“Her husband is a rich guy!”

“They have so much money.”

“He's so open minded let's her wife travel alone.”

“He's giving her her own space.”

“She's single while married, who doesn't want that?”        

       

3. Who isn't complicated these days?  

Who doesn't have issues and isn't complicated these days? Everybody has his own issues. Everybody is inside his head more or less freaked out with all sort of mental complications meriting the attention of a psychiatrist. Some has childhood issues, someone has ex-issues this issue that issue.            

Look at a LBG guy look at his face so serene, so full of calm. Complicating things, overthinking things, imagining problems (that do not exist) and dwelling in the past too much all requires a considerable amount of effort which of course a Lazy person cannot afford. Look at the quantum of energy it requires to overthink and complicate things or to over analyze the event in the past.            

Somebody the LBG-type is close to enlightenment as one can be. He refuses to think much or not at all. So you as a wife are not analyzed, hidden meanings behind your actions will not be sought after. Complicated people complicate everyone and everything, So you can be comfortable that your words/ your past/ your actions won't be be playing in a continuous repeat loop inside his head keeping him awake at many a nights.     

       

Complicated Guy:            

“She said she won't go to watch the latest Transformers series movie with me. What does it mean?"            

Does she not like me anymore?

Our choice of movies is different. Does it mean we are different people stuck in a marriage?

Is she dating someone else?

Does her no mean my position as husband is undermined?

Am I forcing my choices on her too much?

Should I ask my ex-gf for this movie? I have watched all Transformer series with her and she loves them.

Am I thinking of cheating her?

Seeing a movie with ex-gf qualifies as cheating?

That article on survey of Indan married men says 37% of married men cheat. Am I one of the 37%?

Who is the leading lady of Transformers this time? I wish they had Angelina Jolie.        

       

A Lazy Boring guy:            

“Arre yaar ab kaun baith k soche? Chalo let's have a sund sleep, dekha jaaega.”

“Ab chalo jo hua so hua abhi SET MAX pe movie kaunsi aa rahi hain?” “If I think too much I'll get really tired chalo lets quickly jump to a conclusion.”

“zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”  

4. You get to spend quality time with each other.    

One of the most common grounds for divorces is that couples are not able to spend quality time with each other. The reasons for this are plenty and well known.  Job requirements, both have own careers, both have unsocial circles, both have own hobbies/social commitments. In a normal career oriented urban household couples are spending less and less quality time with each other and more and more time either with themselves or with their careers. The lack of time of each other results in lack of understanding between couples which invariably leads to disagreements and fights between them and in most cases it ends in divorces.                   

So what's the purpose of spending time with an totally adventurous dude when the only conversation you'll end up having is how you no longer can have a conversation. He'll be out climbing hills or diving deep into the seas and you'll be having your samba dance classes, art classes, yoga/aerobic classes, girls night outs and stuff like that and before you know it, there'll be two talented strangers living under one roof.            

You can avoid it.            

Marry a LBG guy, he'll have all the time in the world for you and for your nagging. He'll be there at job which he has carefully chosen (requires maximum salary with minimum input hours) and is enough to make him weary and sleepy and with no other taxing activities to fill his day - all his time *TADA!* is yours!!!            

Only an LBG guy can enjoy a relaxing soothing Sunday with staying indoors having long bath and soaking sunlight singing praises of the Lord for creating such a beautiful world. So you can fill his empty days with your plans, your requirements, your conversation. Sure he'll not be able to enjoy it as fully as he was enjoying his power nap of 8 hours on Sunday noon but still what choice does he have but to bear you with a beer. Only with an LBG guy can you not have issues of not having enough conversations.            

5. No extra-marital affairs  

If you go for the hottest guy in the flock and if he happens to meet your “cool-adventurous guy” requirements like playing guitar, playing soccer/rugby, gym enthusiast with six pack abs, hangs out at hottest clubs you are looking at a face of potential cheater.            

I mean don't blame him, you asked for it.            

This hot dude with a guitar on his back and six pack as abs to show-off and any girl will be swept off her feet. What might start as an attempt by girls at feeble/harmless flirting with him might just turn out to be a full swing hot and heavy extra-marital affair. He might find it hard to resist the temptation to escape from the boring predictable wife and marriage to an exciting world of sin and sex of having an extra marital girlfriend.            

Another option is our LBG guy who secretly in his deep heart desists having married at all. Marriage makes him work, 

marriage turns his freedom into responsibility and there he is stuck wondering if marriage means having to work in household jobs, going out shopping, taking bath daily, keeping the room clean and having no peaceful Sundays but Sundays spoiled at sabzi bazzar and Big Bazzar's buying everything from potatoes to jhaadus.            

Do you expect him to go out and start an affair all over again? He's just too lazy for that. 2 pints of beer with a football game on TV and your LBG is happy as hell and goes to sleep peacefully. It's just too much effort to manage two ladies especially when one of them happens to be your wife.            

LBG is just too lazy to manage and divide his life between two women. It increases work drastically and requires meticulous planning. Who'll manage all the timings and running around to make both ends meet? Remember that movie where Akshay Kumar is dating 3 Air Hostesses. Such pain to manage the call recods, the date timings, leaving behind no traces to uncover, clandestine meetings and what not? Calm down. Your LBG husband is just too lazy to even imagine or dream an extra marital affair.            

Conclusion:            

So my my friend after much persuasion is just to lazy to narrate more points. He had promised me more “an earth shattering list” to be precise but I'm staring at a list of 5. Anyways if you google top reason for divorces of Indian marriages you'll know most of them have been covered above and the other points which have not been covered would have been covered only if my LBG friend wasn't so.... well.... lazy!            

Stop generalizing and stop demeaning LBG people. On a personal opinion I feel LBG's are like sarkari naukri safe and secure and CAG's (Cool Adventurous Guys) are like private job. With the Sensex and society's morals taking a nose dive everyday I feel LBG's and sarkari naukris are a pretty safe bet.

"Susie Derkins Decoded" Guest Post by Meghana Lawate

I’ll try to keep this post as simple as possible. Well I’m one of those in love with secondary characters type persons. I’ve always been drawn to the sidekick or any of the “non hero” characters in a book or comic. I love Obelix more than Asterix or that I love Captain Haddock more than Tin Tin, or that I love Ron and Hermione, Fred and George and pretty much every other character than Harry. I really am rarely drawn to the hero/heroine, at least in most cases.  I like Joker more than Batman but that’s a moot point because who doesn’t? and Aisha Banerjee more than Sid from Wake up Sid.

So when I first read Calvin and Hobbes I was really drawn to Susie Derkins, to most people Susie Derkins in just another character like Calvin’s parents or that big bully in school (Moe) or Calvin’s teacher (Mrs Wormwood)... But as I think more about Susie the more it makes me appreciate her. For one, Susie Derkins is very normal, she is a little girl who likes to play with her toys, study in school, and she lives in her own world. What makes her different is her friendship with Calvin. For anyone who has realistically thought of how hard someone like Calvin can be to live with will definitely understand what I’m trying to get at.

Susie Derkins is the embodiment of patience! After all those snowballs, those slimy descriptions of food, and all the mean comments; Calvin asks her if there’s a possum stuck under her collar for God’s sake! Susie bears it all. Why? Simple because when you are friends with somebody you sort of give them that much leeway, Susie isn’t all forgiving but let’s get to that later.

Susie Derkins is Calvin’s only real friend. Really through all those comics notice how Calvin is all alone with no other person he can call his friend? And Hobbes is his imagination. Good imagination, but really does he count? Its difficult to imagine a 6 year old misfit with only a tiger toy to talk to. Susie is his only real friend.That’s pretty sad as it is.

What I love about her is the fact that she exists. With all the madness and the name calling and the endless snowballs and Slimy girl accusations, she is with Calvin. I also love Susie Derkins for being “normal” when compared to Calvin (but then who isn’t?). But Susie is not all shy girl, she is fierce! At one point Calvin’s mother even tells Susie that it is not okay to pick on stupid children, the stupid kid being Calvin.  

Susie really knows how to outsmart Calvin be it by making him eat bugs (trying) or throwing snowballs or threatening Calvin. She is untroubled by Calvin most of the times, she knows how to give it right back to him! Her retorts are quite something! She is smart and man! She can fight! She can be very sweet and stern. I like that about Susie; she is unafraid, what is true friendship if not the ability to say things as they are? She reaches out to Calvin from time to time. Now, of all the people that she could be with, Susie chooses Calvin. While this may be me reading too much into her character, I really find it hard to fathom why a 6 year old wants to hangout with a meanie like Calvin. Simple, Susie gets it.

Susie is alone herself; remember the endless tea parties she hosts? One of which Hobbes is a part of. She gets it. Imagine a friend of yours who does not have any friends (other than you), is bullied and is not doing very well in school would you or would you not want to reach out to him? Susie is simply doing that. To add to that, I also think the whole charm that gets Susie to talk to Calvin is the fact that both have stuffed animals. How many 6 year olds can you find who are obsessed with a stuffed toy?

Susie Derkins really makes me think. Every time I think about a character like Susie’s, I am reminded of my friends and family who lived through my hyper activity. I mean we’ve all been kids, we’ve all be unmanageable at some point in time but thankfully most of us had friends who would tire us out. All our parents would do is gladly welcome a sweaty, stinky kid inside the house only to be fed and put to bed. These friends our parents are eternally grateful for. Susie is not the friend Calvin plays with, but she is the friend that Calvin constantly ends up with.

Susie gives you the impression of being both concerned and unconcerned. She worries in but in the right quantity, she is never meddling in Calvin’s life (if that’s what you can call what a 6 year old has). But she is also never too unconcerned, hey! She asks (rather listens) to him about what he has for lunch and she invites him for tea and that counts for something.  

Anyway, my top 10 takeaways from Susie Derkins

1. If you want to be friends with anyone, you must not be judgmental.

2. You are your own person, while you will gladly share space with your friend; you are not required to be attached to them all the time.

3. Be patient

4. You can fight! You are friends does not make your relationship immune to squabbles

5. When in a fight, fight like you mean it! Give it back to your opponent; they need a taste of their own medicine

6. Friendship is effort. So much effort.

7. There is a very strong possibility that your friend is lonely and doesn’t really know it. Be there.

8. It’s ok to be a little crazy or be with people who bring out your crazy side.

9. Friends can be awful to each other, a little humour helps.

10. If you are stuck on a project report with Calvin, you are better off doing it on your own.  

PS: What is also noteworthy is the fact the Calvin was probably schizophrenic and imagined Hobbes as real. And he also has Attention Deficit Disorder. Now, your appreciation of Susie must grow. :D

The above post is written by Meghana Lawate- her blog is here.

 http://www.itsaboutmypassions.blogspot.in 

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WHY I MISS BAL THACKERY? AND GRAND MASTI

PROLOGUE: SHIV SENA  AND ENGLISH MEDIA

To be honest I miss Bal Thackery. Despite his quirks, whims and excesses he was the only one in the country who had the guts to call a spade well nothing else but a spade. Some of the recent events have made me miss him even more. It has been ingrained in the public consciousness that Valentine's Day in India is less about love birds and celebration of spirit of love but more about the violent protests by Shiv Sena brigade.  

The English print media led by Times Of Bharat (name changed to avoid lawsuit :P) painted the Shiv Sena and other saffron brigade as cousins of Taliban who were hell bent on implying Taliban style religious code on the forward looking progressive nation. The nation, the youth was thinking big and dreaming big but here are some pervert religious bigots (dirty saffron brigade) with their hate agenda spoiling the celebration of beautiful and pure emotions like love and “festival of love”.  Naturally people hated Bal Thackrey and the saffron army.   It reminds me of an incident on Valentine's Day many years ago when I was in school and the celebration of “Love” was in full throttle (most of it driven by capitalist agenda).I overheard this conversation in my class between two guys.  

Dude 1 : Look at this Time Of Bharat dude. Lucknow Bharat Times has whole 10 pages dedicated for extolling the virtues of Saint. Valentine's Day.
Dude 2 : Yeah man. Looks like the whole paper has been painted red. All these hot babes wearing red. Yummmyy.. Yummmyy..
Dude 1 : HAHAHA! Such hypocrites. You know that girl Shristi*? Dude 2 : Yeahh dude that girl is amazing.. Oops I mean such a decent nice girl.. I heard rumours you are dating her no?
Dude 1 : Yeah dude I was. But just look at this copy of TOI preaching love like the whole country should just come out of home and start dating the opposite sex. Such hyporites.
Dude 2 : Man! You sound bitter. What's with this “was” dating? What's with this TOB-hate?
Dude 1 : Ohhh... bhai what to say. Shristi's father is in TOB only he got to know of our affair somehow. Now her phone is confiscated, she can't even go out alone now. Her scooty keys are with her Dad - always. Man it's all shit. Just think of it,  he goes to office writes/edits beautiful dating guides for the youth of the country, comes home gives his dauther a piece of his mind for being a spoilt girl Just because she was sotted with me by her dad's friends/relatives in Hazratganj.
Dude 2 : Look at this article focuses on sex tips for a Happy Valentine's Night. Wonder if her Dad wrote this himself.. HAHAHAHAHA!
Dude 1 : HAHAHAHA!! Wait lemme read....  

(*Names have been changed to protect identity.)  

Valentine's Day celebration disruption and hounding of couples by anyone has never been a hindrance for me. Well let's end the self-pity here.  

I remember on various occassions where the Shiv Sena acted as a moral guardian and was responsible for tearing down obsene posters placed in busy Mumbai intersections for some TV shows or were busy opposing some filthy “reality-shows” forced down the neck of Generation Y. Shiv Sena in my personal opinion was in many senses more like a moral correction factor than a taliban factor. Sadly that was Balasaheb's Shiv Sena.  

GRAND MASTI:

Recently the TV has been bombarded with promos of the filthiest movie ever in Indian cinema I guess: Grand Masti. From what I hear my friend Dozer say about the movie it is 10x times more dirty than the TV promos. What concerns me is where is our Censor Board? Just beacuse a movie has got an 'A' certificate doesn't mean it can show anything. I mean next they can start showing xx and xxx movies if all one needs is an 'A' certificate.  

'A' CERTIFICATE:

In India as such an 'A' certificate hardly means anything. I haven't come across an incident ever where buying an 'A' certificate film ticket has been accompanied with showing of an age certificate. Even if that happens the movie will eventually find it's way to a torrent site which will then be downloaded by kids, the movie will come in pirated versions, the original DVD's will be out someday. Then the grand world TV premiere of the movie with much advertising campaign will tke place. So there's no way that an 'A' certificate will mean anything to anybody here in India.  

MTV AND ROADIES:

Take shows like Splitsvilla, Roadies and their million cousins. That bald idiot produer and host abusing people and irony is he thinks he is a moral compass to the society, the guide to the youth. I'm sure one day they'll give him the youth icon award too. I often wonder, what kind of people end up at their studios? His certification is all they need to find a reason to be alive? What sadistic person will enjoy being humilated by him on National TV? I mean why does one need an approval certificate from him to be called “adventurous”? The sadistic people watch the show enjoying the humiliation of worthless people by a self-proclaimed prophet of modern youth. MTV has started telling the youth lookie here “it's all cool”.  

ALL IS NOT LOST:

Look at the shows by Channel V like 'Gumrah'. TV shows like this is what the youth needs, you see  and you'll know where some of the youngsters due to various avoidable reasons went wrong and misplaced there priorities. That is the reality-shows the country needs.  
INDECENCY IN DECENCY- HOMESHOPPE18:

The other day I was watching HomeShoppe18 (don't ask me why). I sat in front of TV absent- mindedly trying to think something and there they were selling some very decent ladies suits. Few  models were standing in their studio like a mannequinin defining the classical description of “bhartiya-naari” covered from shoulders to toe. But then in quite some time  the focus has shifted on one of the female models and while the female commentator is extolling the awesomeness of floral designer kurtis what you see basically on the screen is the camera focusing utterly and completely on the breasts of the lady model. They show it so artisticly and so innantely and even a kid will know where the intent of  the cameraman lies. This is the limit of pervertness.  

SHUDDH DESI ROMANCE:

I had recently the misfortune of watching the movie 'Shuddh Desi Romance'. A tweet describes it best- it's neither 'Shuddh' nor 'Desi' and by no means 'Romance'. The story revolves around 'supposedly new generation' which wants to sleep around but not tie a knot for any reason. The hero meets the heroine on a baraati bus (he is on his way to his own wedding btw) and while travelling and incessantly chatting just kisses her on her lips. The girl doesn't object and this starts a round of kisses while the whole baraat is sleeping behind them in the bus. So the message is if u kiss a girl while meeting her first time it's really not an issue and if a girl resists or something she is just so “uncool” (no wonder the guy runs away from his own wedding).  

They eventually move into a live-in smoking, drinking and yes sleeping together. Wow what a life!!! Who in the prime of his his life in India wouldn't want a life like that? Ahhhh they decide to marry after a drinking session but can't marry because according to the director Indian youth is fed up of moving into marriage. Marriage is a social evil imposed by the older generation on the rebellious youth of the country who only want to live in a live-in smoking, drinking, fucking all days and nights to eternal happiness. Hey so you got pregnant while sleeping with your ex-boyfriend? No issues girl. daddy is in Assam who cares? Hey cool dude so you earn by duping foreign tourists and as a tour guide and get to fuck around some of the hottest females who are okay with you not marrying them and being with you in a live-in for reasons as valid as “I'm not sure.” Yes there are people who don't move into a marriage but have a live-in relationship and our Supreme Court recognises that too, I'm aware of that but the potrayal in this movie has been beyond my logical capabilities. Weird story weird film. I don't know how the people will digest or accept or even relate to this concept but certainly this is not a country we want to live in.  

MEDIA CONTRIBUTION:

First you create all the media image of woman as an object and when the byproducts of that happen people take to streets and start blaming the khap panchayats, the old generation, the poor perverts, politicians, Police insenstivity, Yo Yo Honey Singh like they have no job but to rape woman. What the media will never tell you how they have contributed significantly in objectifying women of the country. How the movies, the music videos, the lifestyle magazines are falling head over heels in showing women in poor light but then “sex sells”, we all know that.

ONE OF US:

English corporate media with swanky plush studios will show the gender discrimination more as a class war than a gender war and in some ways it indeed is a class war. The have-nots ganging up to show the haves what they are capable of.  

The studios demonise the working class without saying so but the gang rapes of village woman will hardly recieve any sound bytes than a story where the victim is seen as “one of us”. The idea is- how dare could they (the have nots) do this to “one of us”? We the cultured, english speaking, modern, refined people attacked by the barbaric filth living in the slums. The finger is always pointing everywhere else except the truth. Half of the country will try to impose Taliban style ban on women's clothing and timings to step outside home the rest half will sit online and express outrage via facebook status updates and sharing of pics/videos/links.  

ABSENCE OF BAL THACKREY:

When Bal Thackrey spoke, he knew the media or be it anyone has crossed the line and didn't care two hoots in being politically correct and saying diplomatic words to please everyone in a corporate English news channel studio. The English media no wonder demonized him and in no time painted him as a senile old man leading a gang of self styled thugs. No attention grabbing man would have drawn lakhs and lakhs of tearful people on his funeral to have a final 'darshan'. He was the man connected to the masses not the studios. He knew the pulse of the people and spoke the truth when the truth needed to be spoken in the country which values hypocrisy above anything else. So when obscene posters were torn by Shiv Sainiks in Mumbai it sent a message we are not a second hand Angrezz, a nakli wannabe Amreeka, their culture is different and ours is different.  

Ancient Hindu culture never suppressed or demonized sex, we had Kamasutra, Khujraho and above all generations and generations of Hindus have been praying to Shiv ling. Sex was accepted. Hindus of the past were bold but today in the name of mirroring the mind/aspirations of the youth obsenity has replaced the boldness and it's being pushed down the necks of the whole generation.  

I'M NO FAN BOY:

I don't agree with Baba Ramdev when he says that gays are sick are people who need treatment. I don't agree with Bal Thackrey on many issues. No I don't agree with Shri Ram Sene who thinks women shouldn't be visiting pubs and discos. I'm not anybody's fan boy ready with a flag to defend any word said.   

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NOT A BOOK REVIEW : "THE ILLICIT HAPPINESS OF OTHER PEOPLE - MANU JOSEPH"

It was a long train journey through the countryside in which I had the pleasureable company of Manu Joseph's debut novel “Serious Men” set in Mumbai and in and around the area which happened to be my home for the next month or so. It's almost surreal to have such an experience of being in a certain place and reading a book whose plot is based in the same place too. The book had a very realistic and touching plot which explored India and it's society at various strata through the lives of various characters in the book. The book was thoroughly delightful with the humour and gripping plot which keeps you hooked.  

The book which deeply matters to you is the one which touches you, moves you, changes you, challenges you and most consequentially the book and it's characters live inside you long after the final page is read and placed in book-shelf in the company of many others or returned to  it's rightful owner or maybe lend to another friend. One such book is Manu Joseph's second novel “The Illicit Happiness Of Other People”. I finished the book in one sitting. I just had to.  

Central to the plot of “The Illicit Happiness Of Other People” is a seventeen-year-old cartoonist named Unni Chacko. The entire book is about him but he is not there as a character but rather as a fragmanted memory of various people because he is dead, beacuse he killed himself. It chroniciles the quest of a “by-day-journalist-by-night-town-alcoholic” father to de-code the enigma behind the crytic cartoons left behind by his son to eventually know as to why he “did what he did”. Set in the Madras of 90's the book takes you as a witness to the household of Chackos or what is left of them after the departure of their son.  

It's not a mystery Dan Brown thriller novel riddled with world threating secret societies if that's what you are getting at. It is a mirror to the Indian society, the society obsessed with “94% is not enough” “IIT-JEE is the only goal and America the only destination”. It is a spiritual odyssey of finding the true self and finding the true nature of reality beyond the definition of what religions accross the spectrum offer. Author's deep knowledge of Hinduism and psychology and treatment of all characters with such intense depth can hardly be found in any of Arvind Adiga's works or for that matter much of the Indian writing spectrum.  

The book is as much about Hinduism as it is about Christianity. Whereas on one hand it explores Hinduism in the depths of philosophies relating nature of truth and reality Manu Joseph on the other hand explores Christianity on the surface on the issue of conversions exploiting the gullibility of naive people, or due to financial coercion, the dubious nature of evangilists and the inherent caste system followed in Indian version of Christianity. Had Manu Joseph been a Hindu or worse a Hindutva supporter all hell would have broken loose but I personally believe that he might not be a Hindu by practice but he's certainly a Hindu by mind.

The book chroniciles the life of a family fighting poverty, fighting mental disorders, fighting alcoholism, fighting the memories of a missing family member. It's heart wrenching to see the condition of a left-over family after one of them decided to call it quits for no apparent or overbearing reason. It also made more impact on me as I had the opportunity of going through some blogs recently where people had the heart of sharing their experiences of times when their life seemed impossible to bear and almost decided to call it quits and end their lives.  

The book means much more to me than a racy novel with an intriguing plot. It was more of a spiritual journey where you pick up pieces and build your own truth. It's a social commentary on the  nature of the societal setup, about the working of the collective social mindset and yes a potrayal of some free rebellious souls who are termed “crazy” or “lunatics” by the society but they they have seen something, experienced something, known something which is beyond the comprehension of a normal mind. If you can recognise the story within the story the truth will reflect and you'll be staring into it's eyes but if you miss it then well the story is engrossing and captivating in itself.  

It's a rare book which interocks story-telling and philosophy one acting as an interlocutar to another. The truth is out there it's upto you if it reveals itself onto you or you miss. It's been one of the most satisfying reads I had had in recent times. The experience of going through the book will stay with me for a long time. Without much exaggeration I can safely say it has touched me and transformed me on multiple levels.     

Saga of iPhone 5, Indian Advertising Industry and Selling Sex

So here I am with my iPhone 3 with a broken cracked screen and under tremendous social pressure.

iPhone5waala: you have an iPhone 3???? 3??? Must be 4 let me look.. 
Me: It really is 3 bhai mere. 
iPhone5waala: Look here's my iPhone5 buy one, look here's my iPad, my iMac, here my billion GB iPod. 
Me: Man who paid for all this?
iPhone5waala: 3???? You got 3???? *faints*

Female friend: blah blah blah blah
Female friend's friend: blah blah blah blah
Me: blah blah blah blah
*female friend check's phone*
*female friend's friend check's phone*
*me checks phone*
Female friend's friend: Ewwwww.. What's that? Is it that 3 waala model?
Me: Yaa... ummmm... ummmm....
Female Friend: Ohh he bought it when it was launched you know he really loves it.. i keep telling him to change it even the screen's broken but he just doen't listen
Me: Hehehe.. yaaa

Female friend's friend: (shrugs) whateva.


Prologue:

I bought this phone when it cost-ed 21k. No big deal considering the last Samsung smartphone I owned I had just thrown it really hard and crushed it to pieces making it absolutely necessary for me to buy a new phone without any procrastination. iPhone4 was costing around 45k and it made absolutely no sense to me to spend a fortune buying it. Considering I drop/lose/break-by-throwing my phones at my fancy whims and moods. 

Philosophy:

There's a difference when you can't buy something and when you don't want to buy something. The difference is huge/enormous/mammoth. 

I had just bought my iPhone "3S" when immediately afterwards I happened to be at dinner with a SOB who had an iPhone "4S" bought recently and he tried to show-it-off before females present in our vicinity. But then that's where the difference lies I knew I could have bought it but i didn't it was a conscious logical decision not something that I had forced upon myself.

I have my own rule a phone's price must be directly proportional to the number of months I'll use it. Example a 12k phone will last for 12 months in my hand nothing more nothing less. 21k phone has to last 21 months before I officially declare it dead or by destroying it "make-it-dead" instead. So my iPhone 3 bought in Mar 2012 has to survive till December 2013. No matter what.  

Main Body:

The different reaction's I suffer due to iPhone 5 launch and materialism:

Person1 : Toothpaste Meswak liya hain? Paisa bacha rhe ho naya iPhone lene k liye?

Person2 : Dude you should totally buy iPhone 5 it has technical wonders like blah blah blah blah...  itna GB utna pixel ye processor wo speed.. 

Person3 : Arre yaar you don't have a credit card or what? Credit card se le lo..

Person4 : I'll get you a super 2nd hand kissi ko pata nahin chalega ki 2nd hand hain.

Imaginary Girlfriend: Naya phone? Mjhe kaunsa gift karoge?? My bday is coming you know I was wondering ki dono k pass same phone hona chahiye. 

Mummy : Itna mehanga phone tod bhi diya tumne? Kya naya phone lena hain? Paise bachaya kar beta...... 

Papa : Ye aaj kal ki generation pata nahin kya hain phone par hi lagey rahte hain jisse dekho........ hamare zamane main....

Apple people are stupid none of their adverts show that their products can get a girl. Look anything that is being sold in India is sold on the following two premises:

1. The product will get the customer a lot of hot skimpy clad women.

2. Kids love the product and their entire childhood happiness depends on it.

I'll elaborate only the first point for now. Everything from ENO to motorbikes/cars to deodorants to almost any weird product you can imagine you buy in India any product may it be a ceiling fan or cement the only thing that qualifies it of being worthy of your wallet is it's surprising ability to be a chick-magnet. You buy this suitcase all the hot women come running to you, you travel in TATA auto (what was it called magic i guess) and you'll find true love with a hot girl there. See everything eventually in the Indian advertising industry leads you to a hot woman many hot girls. Which if I'm not wrong is a subtle message for sex. So basically all the advertisers are selling sex isn't it? Buy this car, this phone, this watch, this home appliance, this insurance, this coffee, this soft-drink and you'll get unlimited sex. It isn't a bad deal atleast it's better than dying for what's left of Osama bin Laden's gang and gaining 72 holy virgins after death in heaven.

So what's wrong with Apple? They have no Indian ads. There iPhone5 isn't promising me unlimited sex with hot women even when I'll be spending a bomb on it. Naaahhhh... I ain't gonna spend my money on a product that tells no scintillating lies. 

Conclusion:

My whole self worth isn't dependent on the phone I carry, well, it depends on how I carry myself with the phone. So if the sole criterion of self worth is a smartphone than I think we are living in a seriously crooked up world. Now most people will say ohh no we don't judge people by their smartphone they own. Well think again :)

FACE THE FACEBOOK SLAM THE SLAM BOOK

मॉन्स्टर एंड मॉन्स्टर !!!

You know this is the age of Facebook girls upload their pics on fb and then guys check out and save them in their computer. More the pics uploaded by them more the saving frequency by boys. Then for classification purposes they get separated in folder name wise. So one there is a girl uploading her pics online and here boys are saving her pics offline folder wise name wise. So you open a New Folder and then it has sub-folders starting from girls with A and so on and so forth.

So a girl’s every activity, mood, party, trip, weekend is suitably quantified and qualified. You know what she’s listening to, which restaurant she’s having dinner at, which people she’s spending her weekend with. Stalking at your laptop screen you just have to “Log in”!! Big Brother doesn't have to do anything here we are willingly standing in queue knocking at his door telling him our every minute-est detail of our life. Well we can have George Orwell discussion time someday else.

But then there were the 90’s where only information you could have about the girl was through a tiny little colored book called “Slam Book”. The usual protocol was that you used to get in filled when you are leaving the school or somebody is leaving and you get it filled from him/her. A is friend with B who is friend with L who is closed friend with W and A has a crush on W and wants to know/research on his subject the only way he can get such written authoritative information was through “Slam Book”. If W has filled slam books of say L,G and R. A will try getting hold of all the slam books “by any means necessary. You know they say in साम, दाम , दंड , भेद !!!

I was just in junior school when we were playing our innocent game of chuppan-chuppai and I was hiding in a secluded spot when I heard two guys from senior section trading a slam book to get insider-info about a girl. It was like a deal between gangsters exchanging stolen diamonds. It was something like this:

Boy 1: Hmmmm.. So is it done?

Boy 2: Yeahh.. you know I’m on talking terms with her.. She was a little reluctant at first but then I pushed it..

Boy 1: Yeah yeah. Did she suspect anything?

Boy 2: Naah Naah.. I got it filled with almost 10 people before her including 2 other girls.

Boy 1: Did she ask you as to why you were getting it filled?

Boy 2: Yeahh she was suspicious. It’s only middle of the term our session is far from over I just said “Zindagi ka kya bharosa”.. hahahaha.. smart no?

Boy 1: IDIOT. Should have just said that your b’day is coming and you are getting it filled by all your close friends.

The deal was struck and the slambook exchanged hands. The slambook contained the whole character sketch of the girl. You know from the address (if she has given that) to her Dream Date (which hero/actor she prefers) her friends (the social circle which has to be acquainted with) her favourite movies, her favourite TV shows (which invariably always included F.R.I.E.N.D.S) her, favourite food, best moment of her life, this and that but the most important entry was “Love is____________” or “Love to me means_____________”. This single entry was the most significant in assessing the compatibility of the applicant with the girl.

See if a girl writes

1. Love is a FOUR letter word.

Assessment: Very cold girl with very less chances of success or she pretends to be cold.

2. Love is something I’m not interest/who knows, who cares?/ We’re too young.

Assessment: This was usually filled by girls who already knew they had 0.00% chances.

3. Love is a beautiful feeling shared by two souls.. (blah blah on those line)

Assessment: This is a jackpot. She is the dreamy type. She usually thinks of finding her knight in shining 

armour. She’s open to relationships. She’s the one target you have to lock.

Alas! Those were the days!! It’s like connecting dots which you have to connect the dots to make out the mental sketch of your “crush” and then device your strategy accordingly. All information was always through other people.

Boy X: भाई I saw her yday with her family in the market at xyz shop. She was wearing red colour top with mickey mouse on it and a dark blue jeans with black sandals.

Boy Y: भाई my friend lives near her house. He saw her in the evening on the rooftop wearing a yellow kurta and white pyjama and chappal. She was talking for whole 45 minutes on the phone. All the time laughing and giggling.

Boy Z: भाई I went to a wedding yday she had come there wearing an orange saree. She was really looking wonderful. Nice choice bhai you are really lucky. She is very nice girl didn’t talk to any guy. She was with her mother all the time.

All this is when the girl doesn’t even know who this "भाई"  character is or if he’s alive, he exists or not!

Good ole’ times of the slam book!

Not A Movie Review: Go Goa Gone

You see my parents usually adore the movies I recommend to them. They have full faith in the movies that I tell them to watch. The list of such movies is few and includes both of English (including Final Destination 5 and The Inglorious Busterds among others) and Hindi. My parent’s movie calendar is usually over-shadowed by their social calendar and the few movies they watch based on nice promos and blitzkrieg marketing campaigns often turn out to be torture sessions.

Being an ardent fan of Zombie literature and movies it was no doubt super-exciting to have zombies in India. Level 10 comics had bought Zombies to Bangalore in The Rabhas Incident and Samit Basu bought them to Delhi in Unholi. This was their debut on the Indian big screen for the first time and that too in Goa. 

Since it was more of a Zombie comedy (or a Zom-Com) I thought it was perfectly harmless to recommend the movie to my parents. (It was the first movie that I recommended without seeing- Zombie prem!!). They eventually did manage to follow my suggestion as usual and ended up calling me in a horrified state.

Dad: Hello son

Me: how waz the movie????

Dad: seriously why was this movie recommended to “US”? 

Me: you know zombies in India and such cool stuff

Dad: that's ok but...

Me: *thinks something is fishy*

Me: ummm.. I haven't watched the movie dad. I just saw the promos.

Dad: phew.. Really? U havent seen it? Good Heavens! 

Me: *thinks I need to see the movie*

Finally after seeing World War Z, I was lamenting how I missed the first Indian Zombie movie which even my parents have seen. As fate would have it I got a chance to see the movie (I dare not mention the pirated downloaded version it was). And I saw the movie through my parents eyes *sadly*.

First about the Girl: A character sketch- She sees this dude naked in swimming pool and mind you she has a good look at his.. well..., winks at him makes fun of him and of-course is not at all embarrassed when the guy tries to put his swimming trunk on, standing next to her. Then she invites the dudes to a rave party organised by Russian Mafia on a lonely island full of drugs and booze, meets this guy again and asks him if he wants to go out somewhere. They go out someplace lonely near a beach, now what ideally should happen is what happens in every English movie : Ding-Dong-Sing-Along all night. But no here the bhartiya naari in the girl emerges like Jhansi ki Rani when the guy tries to kiss her and he gets a long lecture on morality. Okk another scene she is surrounded by 5 guys almost all unknown to her till recently, Saif Ali Khan asks her to take off her clothes to check if he’s infected and ohh yes she does that in half a second with a little formal hesitation. No problem in that, but when dudes try to hit on her when she’s sleeping alone there there again a big Moral Lecture for the dudes. Either the lady is Schizophrenic or the director could not afford her fees for the more intimate scenes.

Director: Okk in this scene you’ll have sex

Girl: Ohh really? I’m leaving that’s it pay me 10 times more for this scene or re-shoot with another woman.

Director: Damn! Okk change in script.. you refuse sex boldly. Act convincingly..

Girl: You bet on that..

Well among other things after seeing the movie I’m not pretty sure if Goa lies in Republic of India jurisdiction or if there Russians have taken over our tiny state.

Meet the Indian Zombies: Well I should say I was pretty impressed by the Zombies in the movie.. They didn’t turn out to be the poor man’s zombie (you know the Ramsay Brothers type evil-dead’s) but they turned out to be very well dressed and with just the right amount of make-up. Very convincing! Almost as good as we see in any Hollywood movie. Hats-off to that.  Moreover only the firangis were shown as Zombies so it didn't look creepy at all.

Generally speaking: Movie is filled with sexual innuendos and yeah drugs everywhere. Pot culture, sex, curse words and Bikini Babes it has almost everything that will make an Indian Parent’s worst nightmare so my parents have seen the worst of Indian youth may be they believe that is what happens in Corporate India. This of course is a good thing! My parents must be now thinking how their own son is on the safer side on the Indian Youth decency curve!

They must be thinking:

“He’s got issues of buying too many toys, comics and books so he hardly has any money left for those expensive drugs, expensive Goa trips or paying the expenses of maintaining a hot girlfriend. Our son is safe from these evils!”   

Hi5!!! Goal Achieved.      

Cheeni & I

If there ever was a person diametrically opposite to me, you know my anti-christ or something it would definitely be Cheeni.

Cheeni & I had been acquaintances in school and for obvious reasons we were not the best of buddies or even good buddies for that matter. She was just one of the attractive girls I was in touch with!  So it was only about an year after school had ended (as fate would have it) & my course poetry book due with her got us in touch and despite our every human characteristic in direct contradiction to each other we became friends and continue to be(or try to be :P). Some friendships complete you. Getting in touch with people introduces you to a side which you never had but a side which you sometimes wish you had.

I’ll give you a brief idea about Cheeni: In my entire life each time I have called her (especially after we joined our respective colleges) 95% of the time chances are she’s partying outside and the rest 4.5% chances are she’s partying in-house.  The usual protocol or the SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) of our call is:

Me:                              Jai Hind!

Cheeni:                       WHATTT?? (Loud noises in the background, people laughing, music blaring)

Me:                             I SAID JAIIIII HINDDDD!

Cheeni:                       Hahahaha!! Okk where are you?

Me: (shouting):          No the question is Where are you??

Cheeni:     You know I’m at this place and there is this party...  (this is usually when I get                distracted by the background noise or the blaring music) blah blah blah…. Something something something…

Me:                            Good for you! Call you later then.

Cheeni:                      Yo yo! But do call me at

To be honest I call her sometimes just to be rejected like this which gives me great moral authority later in playing the victim (I call you so many times but you're always soo busy. *sigh* *sigh*) but sometimes she startles me by picking up the phone and telling me she’s NOT partying:

Me:                              Jai Hind!

Cheeni:                       Jai Hind Popeye! Hw r u?

Me:                            there…is..no..noise…in…the…background??

Cheeni:                    Yaa I’m at home today.. I’m not that much of party person as you make me out to be. You just happen to call always at the wrong time.. Say wazzup?

Me:                             okyeah that means I’ll have to talk?

Cheeni:                      Yes.. are your notes ready?

OK the story behind the notes is. When we became friends Cheeni was a big talker she’d just chat chat chat like birds chirping all day in a garden and as for me- I could hardly come up with anything to say at all. She'll just finish off a story in middle and tell me:

Cheeni:           “Okk I have been talking for a long time your turn to speak”

Me:                 “Ummmmmm”

Cheeni:           "Anything idiot.. just open your mouth and say. Things like what did you do today? What did you eat? Are you planning to go somewhere, if at all?”

Me:                 “Ummmmmm”

Cheeni:           “Yes come on you can do it”

Me:                 "Ummmmmm”

Cheeni:           “I’m not talking till you are. You give me a feeling I bore you to death”

Me:                 “Ummmmmm”

Cheeni:           "Grrrrrrrrr… AGGGGHHHHH…. !@#$%&”

So after some of these conversations she told me I have to keep my notes ready for talking. I was however instructed to keep a diary ready with all the conversations that I have planned to undertake while talking to her. With my un-happening indoor life I had nothing much to say to the highly extroverted and outgoing uptown party girl. I was aware, through her, that a world does exist outside like they sometimes show in movies.  So I call Cheeni always after I have lived a sizable amount of my life and I have few stories to throw around and also I make it a point to make Cheeni aware of my whereabouts if I'm at a place even remotely interesting.

Text:

Hi Cheeni yaa u were so right about this movie. This movie is awesome.

To be translated as:

•        You told me about a movie and I was paying attention.
•        I have followed your advice and actually/physically gone out to catch the movie.
•       I agree with your choice (Voila!)

Despite all these years we have met very few times in person and as expected we have always ended up as tragedy friends. Cheeni is not a text person not even a facebook person so my interactions are only limited to calling via phone.  As fate would have it (as you know it always has it’s way) Cheeni & I have met very very few times and after every single meeting (I assure you without a rule) we have ended up not speaking to each other for months at end. It has gone sometimes as far as termination of our friendship but you know distance mends and we are still on threshold of calling each other “friends”.

Cheeni doesn't know the name of the State I am in. (her geography isn't really upto the mark I’d say) and then ask her about the Mango stores in the NCR region she'll act like google maps to you. Take a right from that then a left from this second lane third shop ground floor and but the manager of that branch is not a nice guy. You go to the Mango store there you just take this right and that left this building that floor and Bang you are there.

Believe me six months I was in Goa and Cheeni could give me directions, almost like a smartphone GPS voice app., where she has been a tourist quite a few times. Okk where are you? Alright then you can go to this this and this place if you go that place you can go here here and here and I'm not talking about the beaches or the churches. She can tell you the best of places to have exotic foods and places you can buy  expensive clothes.

Cheeni is always “on the go” she has a shopping list ready, places to go list ready, next travelling plan ready and the things to cook list super-ready. See no wonder she has so much to speak about. I on the other hand speak about which Osho book I have read which book I will be reading next and what did I think about the world. My life is so interesting inside my head. 

I wonder many-a-times how come Cheeni & I are still friends at all!